Battle for Attention

When we talked about having kids, we had decided we only wanted one. One of those reasons being the most obvious is that I struggled to get pregnant, and frankly, I wasn't willing to do it again. However, there were other factors. Ryan grew up with his twin and brother 2 years older. He fought for attention from his parents. I had similar experiences in my childhood but not nearly as much since attention was rarely given to any of us (we'll save that for another post).

So when we found out we were having 2, I was excited but terrified. As we go through the stages it feels like there is one thing there is never enough of.... me. Infancy brought on me trying to figure out who to feed first. First weeks of mobility was a matter of who I should chase after and who was getting something thrown at them to slow them down. My lap was never big enough for them to be willing to share. My arms struggled as they grew and weren't always able to be in them simultaneously. 

But one thing I always have had plenty of but they still struggle with is my love and attention. Now attention is probably a fair argument on their part. I can work on things with them together, but there is something crucial about one on one time. We have made active efforts to offer them separate bonding time without the other, but being inseparable, that can often lead to the incessant nagging of when we will go back to get their sister.

As for my love, while they may not see it now, my heart is overflowing for both of them. When they were babies I used to say "if only we had one" and immediately feel that guilt rush over thinking "but which one?" Ultimately, my answer has stayed the same. As much as having one would have been easier, I could never choose which one I would keep. They are so amazing and unique in their own ways I can't imagine life without one of them. And while some nights (like tonight) I find myself wanting to cry because I feel like my attention and efforts will never be enough... I know they will see it one day. They will see how much I love both of them, and there is no amount of attention I give one to ever mean I don't have just as much love for the other.